Cell Phone Hell

Who hasn't been pissed off by the cell phone companies? Am I alone in feeling trampled on by their giant ignorant boots in their stampede to get my money? What the hell is a system access fee anyway? I'll tell you. It's a, oh, so you've decided to get a cell phone and contract with our company, and we're about to ring all that through for you, but since you're clearly already stuck with paying for our stuff, we're gonna charge you an extra $30. Because we can. DEAL WITH IT.

And then there's the surprise policy change that takes effect halfway through your contract. Surprise! You're already trapped for another to years with us, unless you feel like paying exorbitant prices for dropping us altogether! And I guarantee that these "surprises" aren't fun for anyone. What, you mean we've been letting you receive text messages for free? Good lord, we'll have none of that. Surprise! What, you mean we told you that we'd let you upgrade your phone for a reduced price? Well, you see, we secretly changed our minds about that. You'll have to wait a year with your crap/broken/stolen phone, or you can buy a new one. Yes, I know we said you could have an iPhone for a fraction of the price. But, sweetie, you didn't honestly believe us, did you?

Or you can get a pay-as-you-go phone. Of course, you can't get a nice phone without a contract. No, we'll give you the shit that breaks, nothing special phones. And of course, you have to go out and buy vouchers for those. And, of course, if you don't use all the minutes, they just vanish at the end of the month. And no, you can't just buy a $5 voucher, because then you get the most viciously useless evil rates imaginable. I mean, who does the whole weekend and evening plan thing any more? Plans like that should have gone the way of the dodo a long time ago, but no, such fossils are still lurking in those useless pay-as-you-go phones.

It seems like, no matter where you turn, cell phone companies show you shiny objects, say words like "free" and "no hidden fees", and when you go all dewy-eyed, that's when they slap in the added fees, the surprise policy changes and the ball-and-chain till-death-do-us-part contracts and ridiculous rates that just slide right under your nose. And we put up with all this crap? Why?

Because we are addicted to cell phones. Because the words "I don't have a cell-phone" coming from anyone over the age of ten receive shock, then fear, then deference, as if said non-cell phone user was a sort of leper or freak, or else some sort of higher being that has achieved nirvana in life and has transcended beyond the earthly need of instant communication.

But, as most people can never hope to reach such a cellphoneless utopia, then perhaps we'd better start praying to the cell phone gods (or writing angry letters to the media, communications giants and our government) and hope for some reforms.
Or maybe we could take a ship full of cellphones and dump them in a harbour somewhere. It's worked in the past.

Best,
Kori